Lines of Time (revisited)

I wanted to discuss the subject of my last post again. The last few days I've been having problems with stress relief, and I also have noticed that I'm not enjoying where I am at that much. Everything is pretty much predictable, and the lack of sleep I've suffered from last week doesn't help me judge clearly and make decisions as I would prefer to. It doesn't seem like it, but there's a commonplace with the fore mentioned and my last post.

The last post had to do with me recognizing how I felt bad about not doodling/drawing, and also dealing with the fact that there are things I have to leave out of my life since I feel that I should start adjusting things in it, naturally, to avoid having some awkward stage where I try to relive my youth.

So now I feel that I worry way too much. That same worry about me not doing something I don't approve keeps me from living experiences that I will/have regret/ted, and in turn will make me want to do them if I get to a desperate point. As if I didn't know any better (and now I might be way too hard on myself). Judging things from my point of view is not a good call, and I realized what the main reason that keeps me from doing the things I want to do: distractions.

I tend to have these ideas about any subject in particular, but I don't follow through (2009 posts for example) and wind up with a self-deprecating attitude about lack of discipline. Which is justified, since I should focus on something if I truly crave it. So the Lines of Time post wasn't really complete; I don't establish any boundaries to what I can do, I just go with it until I'm happy with the results. I know that people have their opinions, but it's really nothing that I can do with right now, and rather do without. My issue has to do with me starting something I want to do, that initial push. I can't ask anyone to help me in this (I think), but knowing what is my obstacle will help me defeat or conquer it.

Lines of time

On my last post I commented on doodling something, since I felt like doing entries on the blog I thought to myself I should doodle for fun... I didn't, and I don't know how to feel about it: on the one hand I didn't do it because I had something else to do; on the other I know I would like to sit down for a couple of hours every two days or so and follow-up on some things I thought of.

Am I losing the love for it that I had earlier? I have been struggling with the fact that I feel that as I get older things that are really accessible to me, I perceive as though will not. Certain things not to do, places not to go, attitudes not to have, or clothes not to wear. Everything perfectly age appropriate for someone in their 30's. I think it is justifiable, since I know people really don't comment nor care about it, but I'm starting to think that I should let myself grow into this age appropriate lifestyle I want to follow, otherwise I will lose it's authenticity and will wind up backing out.

For now, I have to put my feet on the ground and accept the things I do as part of me. Doodling at my age can be followed with more ambitious paths I think, and hope. I know that, as my mother tells me, we are the ones that set our limits.

Limits that I rather not think about for now.

It's so late right now, but I don't care... :)

I'm turning 29 next month, that anxiety comes and goes like strobe lights. I miss photography, my blog, drawing, projects, and some other stuff.


I decided to come back at 2 AM on a Saturday to post some thoughts, and after my other post I don't know what else to write about so I might just go to bed and tomorrow I should go back to doodling some wild character based on myself (for the n-th time).



It just feels better to post something random here and go on.

I'm still here... I'm still thinking

A few walks at night reminded me how long it's been since I started typing in this empty field. I know it sounds rather emotional, to put it modestly. I missed this, so I got a little romantic on my first sentence. I get romantic/melancholic from time to time, I keep it to myself however.

Right now I'm still the same person, working on my personality and trying more and more to do it for me. I guess that's the main factor with being human now a days: doing the best for yourself. I have done some things since my last post that have reassured me that ideas I've written here have been right, and left the self-deprecation for some moments and realized that I've done good. I don't love the things I've done. I'm not at all very happy with some of my habits and reactions, but as someone has told me, I recognize my faults, some others rather not even comment on them.

A few walks at night have made me realize a lot of things. I am grateful for the things in my life, but I know I can get more than what I have.

Humans can't be near the sun

I know I'm not made of stone. I tend to hold grudges, and don't know how to express my anger with words. I take things personal. Those are (some of) my faults. I don't like to have them, so I work on minimizing them. I try being as objective as possible, forgiving, putting my thoughts to words and thinking about the purpose of some comments. I know when I do something wrong, because of this feeling I get inside of me, that's like someone tugging my sleeve telling me to go back and undo everything at that very moment. I didn't get that feeling recently.

Everything had been seen before: behavior pattern, responses, and results. It was like watching a group of dominoes lined up, one before the other; you know what will happen if you push the first, so it falls on the second, and so on and so forth. I understood what I saw as a typical response that I denied from existing. I knew that whatever I said would lead to this. Off I went to set my dominoes, one after the other.... All 18 of them, lined up. Let's see what happens when someone pushes one...

... Dominoes down...

I realized that putting all my chips on the table, setting them neatly, making amusing shapes, and sequences did not help. The end result was that all of them went down. 18 or 2, whatever number, it didn't matter.

Metaphors aside, I realized that talking clearly, establishing limits, and all other things are sometimes disregarded and might also be insulting. Also that, my faults and the fact that I work on them to disappear make me human. Some people can't stand having faults, it takes from their shine; makes them dull. That's why I decided that I can't be near them, they are too much, and I'm only human.

Release

I don't go out of my way to make others feel bad about themselves, to me that's sick. The reason why I'm starting this post with this has to do with what I went through today. I know people do this to me, and I am aware of how much of a paranoid it makes me look like; it is what it is.

I can't escape social interaction, and would not go that route at all, but sometimes when I feel as attacked as I have the last couple of weeks I try to isolate myself as much as I can. I can fully concentrate on my duties, things I want to learn, etc. That brings me some peace, it's something I can control.

The realization that you can't ethically control what others think of you has come to me. I know only how to manage my reactions, or at least I'm learning to.

Which brings me to this question: if someone doesn't do something I'd like for them to do, should I react the same way I always do? Should I let them be? Or should I react the way some folks have? Should I throw tantrums? Should I "get even"? Should I make believe a land where all the sorrows of this world are bestowed upon me by the people who don't give me what I want?

Answer to the above: No. Yes. No, and never. I'm a bit too old for tantrums. Getting even sounds nice but it's seriously not worth it. I'm not a passive aggressive "victim".

So I have this blog to let my negative emotions out. Today I let my emotions get the best of me. Whatever message I wanted to convey was not worded the best way possible. At the same time I caused reactions I wasn't expecting, but I learned about how one can be manipulated when angry. I just hope all of this has a reason for happenning.

Ra-JI-O

Today I put on the online radio station I listen to at work. First songs that played:

• Godsmack - I fucking hate you.
• Whiskeytown - Don't be sad. (new to me)
• Tori Amos - Winter. (new to me)
• City and Colour - Like Knives. (new to me)
• Prince & the Revolution - Kiss.
• Kate Bush - King of the Mountain. (new to me)

I needed to listen to something like those two first songs. I'm facing "social problems" because of my responsibilities at work. Stuff that I cannot avoid doing, people not willing to understand where I'm coming from and expecting me to be empathic to them. As much as I'd like to continue writing about this (there's a lot I have to get out of my chest) I don't want to ramble about that.

The good thing about today: trying out the new (cheaper) ear buds I bought, which sound better than the ones I used to buy. One thing I love about online stations: I don't have to get stuck listening to the same mainstream artists every local station plays over and over again. Sadly I don't get to hear to local bands, but I get to go to their concerts.

Why those first 6 songs were so spot-on today:

• Godsmack's song is great for when you know you have that hate inside you. Its like Sully Erna went ape-shit in my place. Thanks Sully!
• Whiskeytown always delivers when it comes to a great sound. After hearing "I fucking hate you", something as soft as "Don't be sad" fell in quite adequately.
• "Winter" by Tori Amos, helped me calm down some more.
• I don't remember hearing "City and Colour" before, I know I liked them. It reminded me of the The Dears (which I like). They/he seems indie. The song was very soothing.
• About Prince: even though "Kiss" doesn't fall in with the rest of the other songs themes, it was nice to direct the mood into another region.
• "King of the Mountain": First time I hear this one. Interesting fact: The station is modeled after Kate Bush's mega-covered song "Running up that Hill".

The web page I use as my radio station is Jango. If you're in the US (or any country that this one allows) try out Pandora which works also on the same basis as Jango. Sadly I can't listen to Pandora anymore, but it's highly recommended.

The closing decade

Within minutes from this decades end, I would like to make this post and write about the things I am grateful for. The things that have happened these last 10 years, that have had an impact on how I spend my time:
- Internet: At the beginning of this decade I began to interact more actively within the internet. I created web pages, and chatted. Downloaded media and even started blogs (besides this one there's 2 others that didn't take off). I have joined communities, and it's by far the biggest thing to impact my life.
- Graphic Design and Illustration: I like drawing. I like design, and expressing myself through images. The visualization of ideas that come to me is an amazing thing. The last half of the decade I've been trying to get away from my career and escape to the world of illustration/animation/graphic design. I have not pursued this, because of perhaps a fear of not providing to my family as an artist. Not providing as much as I am providing right now.
- Writing: Ever since my junior year in high school, I've liked writing. One of my teachers gave me a push with an assignment, and ever since I've written prose and stories. Not all concluded, most just drafts that are just there; but I can't deny that this decade I've satisfied that desire of writing more than the last.
- Social relations: I am shy. Not by nature, but because I recognize that I am insecure sometimes. The irony of this is that I know that I can be very pleasant and approachable if I stop thinking about trying to satisfy everyone's expectations and not my own. These last 10 years I've made friends, and have quarreled more than the previous 10. I've gotten an idea of how things are managed within my environment, since I can't actually tell if how interpret things is the real way that they happen. All and all there's somethings to improve, and I'm willing to do so.
- Physical activity: If the first part of this decade was dedicated to developing a career as a means of getting by, this last half in its entirety has been dedicated to doing all the things I've always wanted to do physically. I joined the gym and discovered that I really like weight lifting/bodybuilding. I practiced capoeira for 2 years, and I liked it also. A wrist injury (now healed) stopped my practice, but I am seriously reconsidering going back. I have practiced yoga, and loved it also. It's an amazingly challenging discipline, and sadly, due to scheduling challenges I had to drop out of.
- Career: The first part of the decade I spent studying. Albeit not what I really thought as my calling, electronic engineering is my mean of getting by. I'm not exactly the best at what I do, but the challenges I have keep me a bit competitive.
- Intimate relations: The one field I really don't touch base on so often. I sort of fell in love, but my fear of not providing enough to that person made me stay away. It's one of those stupid things I do, as a man, that comes back and bites me in the ass. She's married now, and I'm still at the same place. Something will come along, but I rather go and look for it.
- Loss: Throughout this last decade I've lost friends and relatives that I love. I can't help it, as much as I would love to. I'm grateful that I spent time with these people, and hope that the ones I still have with me share the best of times with me. It is sad, but you cope with loss (somehow) and move on. I have not forgotten my loved ones, every memory I keep is in their honor. May you rest in peace.
- Music: I'm not a musician. I enjoy a good song and love to know about the bands I follow. I've tried to sing on my own, and it does not come naturally (a good tone). However, I learned that my voice is an instrument. Maybe I can learn how to sing, find the range I can work at and who knows if I might do it one day to entertain small crowds. But to be honest: drawing will always come first.

That's all. These years ahead of me I hope to duplicate the things I learned, travel to different places, work in a different country, and share my knowledge with the world.