Within minutes from this decades end, I would like to make this post and write about the things I am grateful for. The things that have happened these last 10 years, that have had an impact on how I spend my time:
- Internet: At the beginning of this decade I began to interact more actively within the internet. I created web pages, and chatted. Downloaded media and even started blogs (besides this one there's 2 others that didn't take off). I have joined communities, and it's by far the biggest thing to impact my life.
- Graphic Design and Illustration: I like drawing. I like design, and expressing myself through images. The visualization of ideas that come to me is an amazing thing. The last half of the decade I've been trying to get away from my career and escape to the world of illustration/animation/graphic design. I have not pursued this, because of perhaps a fear of not providing to my family as an artist. Not providing as much as I am providing right now.
- Writing: Ever since my junior year in high school, I've liked writing. One of my teachers gave me a push with an assignment, and ever since I've written prose and stories. Not all concluded, most just drafts that are just there; but I can't deny that this decade I've satisfied that desire of writing more than the last.
- Social relations: I am shy. Not by nature, but because I recognize that I am insecure sometimes. The irony of this is that I know that I can be very pleasant and approachable if I stop thinking about trying to satisfy everyone's expectations and not my own. These last 10 years I've made friends, and have quarreled more than the previous 10. I've gotten an idea of how things are managed within my environment, since I can't actually tell if how interpret things is the real way that they happen. All and all there's somethings to improve, and I'm willing to do so.
- Physical activity: If the first part of this decade was dedicated to developing a career as a means of getting by, this last half in its entirety has been dedicated to doing all the things I've always wanted to do physically. I joined the gym and discovered that I really like weight lifting/bodybuilding. I practiced capoeira for 2 years, and I liked it also. A wrist injury (now healed) stopped my practice, but I am seriously reconsidering going back. I have practiced yoga, and loved it also. It's an amazingly challenging discipline, and sadly, due to scheduling challenges I had to drop out of.
- Career: The first part of the decade I spent studying. Albeit not what I really thought as my calling, electronic engineering is my mean of getting by. I'm not exactly the best at what I do, but the challenges I have keep me a bit competitive.
- Intimate relations: The one field I really don't touch base on so often. I sort of fell in love, but my fear of not providing enough to that person made me stay away. It's one of those stupid things I do, as a man, that comes back and bites me in the ass. She's married now, and I'm still at the same place. Something will come along, but I rather go and look for it.
- Loss: Throughout this last decade I've lost friends and relatives that I love. I can't help it, as much as I would love to. I'm grateful that I spent time with these people, and hope that the ones I still have with me share the best of times with me. It is sad, but you cope with loss (somehow) and move on. I have not forgotten my loved ones, every memory I keep is in their honor. May you rest in peace.
- Music: I'm not a musician. I enjoy a good song and love to know about the bands I follow. I've tried to sing on my own, and it does not come naturally (a good tone). However, I learned that my voice is an instrument. Maybe I can learn how to sing, find the range I can work at and who knows if I might do it one day to entertain small crowds. But to be honest: drawing will always come first.
That's all. These years ahead of me I hope to duplicate the things I learned, travel to different places, work in a different country, and share my knowledge with the world.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Acknowledging what I want
Recognition and acknowledgment are similar concepts. For my purposes, however, acknowledgment is a means of finally accepting something you know is there, something you already recognized and decided to stop ignoring.
Realize that what you want may require making tough choices. Acknowledgment of what you want, reinforces this decision. The importance, to me, of going through with this step lies on the fact that sometimes, either willingly or not, we forget about things we're aware of as beneficial. We stop paying attention, and eventually they become a rare memory to us.
I had ideas for a lot of things, I knew they were good, and I wanted to follow up. Sadly, I didn't acknowledge the fact that they are/were something worth pursuing. I knew it was a good thing, I am able to recognize that. However, my lack of motivation, or the fact I did not pursue these ideas, can be (or is) linked to not acknowledging any of them as important. Not confirming that they were/are going to make an improvement in my life, that they occurred to me because of dissatisfaction about a particular aspect, made me forget about them.
Acknowledgement is a reinforcement of your goal. If you truly want to pursue something in your life, it will come up as an idea to you (recognizing it), then you have to question it to know whether you really want to pursue this change and the consequences that come with it (acknowledging it).
Change is a worm hole that's on the bottom of a bluff. Ask yourself if you have courage to jump into it.
Realize that what you want may require making tough choices. Acknowledgment of what you want, reinforces this decision. The importance, to me, of going through with this step lies on the fact that sometimes, either willingly or not, we forget about things we're aware of as beneficial. We stop paying attention, and eventually they become a rare memory to us.
I had ideas for a lot of things, I knew they were good, and I wanted to follow up. Sadly, I didn't acknowledge the fact that they are/were something worth pursuing. I knew it was a good thing, I am able to recognize that. However, my lack of motivation, or the fact I did not pursue these ideas, can be (or is) linked to not acknowledging any of them as important. Not confirming that they were/are going to make an improvement in my life, that they occurred to me because of dissatisfaction about a particular aspect, made me forget about them.
Acknowledgement is a reinforcement of your goal. If you truly want to pursue something in your life, it will come up as an idea to you (recognizing it), then you have to question it to know whether you really want to pursue this change and the consequences that come with it (acknowledging it).
Change is a worm hole that's on the bottom of a bluff. Ask yourself if you have courage to jump into it.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Recognizing what I want
This is one of my few entries for this year. I've been quiet for a long time, and I feel it's unfair on my part that I haven't logged anything in.
This year has been interesting. I've done somethings that I wanted to do for some time now, and I am happy. Little by little, I've tried to overcome some of my faults. I try to examine myself as much as possible. I know perfection is both subjective and difficult to achieve, but if I'm hard-headed I will have a shot of becoming the person I want to be.
Right now, I'm thinking about what I say to people, before I talk to them. It's basic, and it's necessary, but I sometimes just spoke without thinking. I did not hurt anyone, but I opened myself too much; this lead to people manipulating me, and berating me. It felt like I couldn't avoid it. This is not true. From what I lived, I know I can avoid a lot of things.
To avoid things that hurt, I've listed some of my challenges:
- Recognizing what I want.
- Acknowledging what I want.
- Determining what I truly feel about something/someone.
- Expressing this feeling.
- Demanding what I want.
I tend to put my needs in the background, and focus on the people that I love and their needs. This is altruistic and (at some degree) honorable, but not working for me. When you do it long enough, you lose track of the things you want in life. I don't blame anyone but myself for this. This is the polar opposite of being selfish and, if I further dissect it, I know that my behavior was driven by the need for some sort of external validation.
It's healthier to think of my needs first. If I satisfy them, I can help others with theirs. I can't live for the sake of someone Else's judgement. I'm not willing to let my emotional welfare be subject to something as volatile as a persons mood. It's nice to hear a compliment every once in a while, but I now cut off at that point. External validation is now just the sprinkles on my ice-cream. I don't go for sprinkles, but if they're complimentary, then I don't mind getting them.
This year has been interesting. I've done somethings that I wanted to do for some time now, and I am happy. Little by little, I've tried to overcome some of my faults. I try to examine myself as much as possible. I know perfection is both subjective and difficult to achieve, but if I'm hard-headed I will have a shot of becoming the person I want to be.
Right now, I'm thinking about what I say to people, before I talk to them. It's basic, and it's necessary, but I sometimes just spoke without thinking. I did not hurt anyone, but I opened myself too much; this lead to people manipulating me, and berating me. It felt like I couldn't avoid it. This is not true. From what I lived, I know I can avoid a lot of things.
To avoid things that hurt, I've listed some of my challenges:
- Recognizing what I want.
- Acknowledging what I want.
- Determining what I truly feel about something/someone.
- Expressing this feeling.
- Demanding what I want.
I tend to put my needs in the background, and focus on the people that I love and their needs. This is altruistic and (at some degree) honorable, but not working for me. When you do it long enough, you lose track of the things you want in life. I don't blame anyone but myself for this. This is the polar opposite of being selfish and, if I further dissect it, I know that my behavior was driven by the need for some sort of external validation.
It's healthier to think of my needs first. If I satisfy them, I can help others with theirs. I can't live for the sake of someone Else's judgement. I'm not willing to let my emotional welfare be subject to something as volatile as a persons mood. It's nice to hear a compliment every once in a while, but I now cut off at that point. External validation is now just the sprinkles on my ice-cream. I don't go for sprinkles, but if they're complimentary, then I don't mind getting them.
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