Recognizing what I want

This is one of my few entries for this year. I've been quiet for a long time, and I feel it's unfair on my part that I haven't logged anything in.

This year has been interesting. I've done somethings that I wanted to do for some time now, and I am happy. Little by little, I've tried to overcome some of my faults. I try to examine myself as much as possible. I know perfection is both subjective and difficult to achieve, but if I'm hard-headed I will have a shot of becoming the person I want to be.

Right now, I'm thinking about what I say to people, before I talk to them. It's basic, and it's necessary, but I sometimes just spoke without thinking. I did not hurt anyone, but I opened myself too much; this lead to people manipulating me, and berating me. It felt like I couldn't avoid it. This is not true. From what I lived, I know I can avoid a lot of things.

To avoid things that hurt, I've listed some of my challenges:
- Recognizing what I want.
- Acknowledging what I want.
- Determining what I truly feel about something/someone.
- Expressing this feeling.
- Demanding what I want.

I tend to put my needs in the background, and focus on the people that I love and their needs. This is altruistic and (at some degree) honorable, but not working for me. When you do it long enough, you lose track of the things you want in life. I don't blame anyone but myself for this. This is the polar opposite of being selfish and, if I further dissect it, I know that my behavior was driven by the need for some sort of external validation.

It's healthier to think of my needs first. If I satisfy them, I can help others with theirs. I can't live for the sake of someone Else's judgement. I'm not willing to let my emotional welfare be subject to something as volatile as a persons mood. It's nice to hear a compliment every once in a while, but I now cut off at that point. External validation is now just the sprinkles on my ice-cream. I don't go for sprinkles, but if they're complimentary, then I don't mind getting them.