Humans can't be near the sun

I know I'm not made of stone. I tend to hold grudges, and don't know how to express my anger with words. I take things personal. Those are (some of) my faults. I don't like to have them, so I work on minimizing them. I try being as objective as possible, forgiving, putting my thoughts to words and thinking about the purpose of some comments. I know when I do something wrong, because of this feeling I get inside of me, that's like someone tugging my sleeve telling me to go back and undo everything at that very moment. I didn't get that feeling recently.

Everything had been seen before: behavior pattern, responses, and results. It was like watching a group of dominoes lined up, one before the other; you know what will happen if you push the first, so it falls on the second, and so on and so forth. I understood what I saw as a typical response that I denied from existing. I knew that whatever I said would lead to this. Off I went to set my dominoes, one after the other.... All 18 of them, lined up. Let's see what happens when someone pushes one...

... Dominoes down...

I realized that putting all my chips on the table, setting them neatly, making amusing shapes, and sequences did not help. The end result was that all of them went down. 18 or 2, whatever number, it didn't matter.

Metaphors aside, I realized that talking clearly, establishing limits, and all other things are sometimes disregarded and might also be insulting. Also that, my faults and the fact that I work on them to disappear make me human. Some people can't stand having faults, it takes from their shine; makes them dull. That's why I decided that I can't be near them, they are too much, and I'm only human.

Release

I don't go out of my way to make others feel bad about themselves, to me that's sick. The reason why I'm starting this post with this has to do with what I went through today. I know people do this to me, and I am aware of how much of a paranoid it makes me look like; it is what it is.

I can't escape social interaction, and would not go that route at all, but sometimes when I feel as attacked as I have the last couple of weeks I try to isolate myself as much as I can. I can fully concentrate on my duties, things I want to learn, etc. That brings me some peace, it's something I can control.

The realization that you can't ethically control what others think of you has come to me. I know only how to manage my reactions, or at least I'm learning to.

Which brings me to this question: if someone doesn't do something I'd like for them to do, should I react the same way I always do? Should I let them be? Or should I react the way some folks have? Should I throw tantrums? Should I "get even"? Should I make believe a land where all the sorrows of this world are bestowed upon me by the people who don't give me what I want?

Answer to the above: No. Yes. No, and never. I'm a bit too old for tantrums. Getting even sounds nice but it's seriously not worth it. I'm not a passive aggressive "victim".

So I have this blog to let my negative emotions out. Today I let my emotions get the best of me. Whatever message I wanted to convey was not worded the best way possible. At the same time I caused reactions I wasn't expecting, but I learned about how one can be manipulated when angry. I just hope all of this has a reason for happenning.

Ra-JI-O

Today I put on the online radio station I listen to at work. First songs that played:

• Godsmack - I fucking hate you.
• Whiskeytown - Don't be sad. (new to me)
• Tori Amos - Winter. (new to me)
• City and Colour - Like Knives. (new to me)
• Prince & the Revolution - Kiss.
• Kate Bush - King of the Mountain. (new to me)

I needed to listen to something like those two first songs. I'm facing "social problems" because of my responsibilities at work. Stuff that I cannot avoid doing, people not willing to understand where I'm coming from and expecting me to be empathic to them. As much as I'd like to continue writing about this (there's a lot I have to get out of my chest) I don't want to ramble about that.

The good thing about today: trying out the new (cheaper) ear buds I bought, which sound better than the ones I used to buy. One thing I love about online stations: I don't have to get stuck listening to the same mainstream artists every local station plays over and over again. Sadly I don't get to hear to local bands, but I get to go to their concerts.

Why those first 6 songs were so spot-on today:

• Godsmack's song is great for when you know you have that hate inside you. Its like Sully Erna went ape-shit in my place. Thanks Sully!
• Whiskeytown always delivers when it comes to a great sound. After hearing "I fucking hate you", something as soft as "Don't be sad" fell in quite adequately.
• "Winter" by Tori Amos, helped me calm down some more.
• I don't remember hearing "City and Colour" before, I know I liked them. It reminded me of the The Dears (which I like). They/he seems indie. The song was very soothing.
• About Prince: even though "Kiss" doesn't fall in with the rest of the other songs themes, it was nice to direct the mood into another region.
• "King of the Mountain": First time I hear this one. Interesting fact: The station is modeled after Kate Bush's mega-covered song "Running up that Hill".

The web page I use as my radio station is Jango. If you're in the US (or any country that this one allows) try out Pandora which works also on the same basis as Jango. Sadly I can't listen to Pandora anymore, but it's highly recommended.