untitled thoughts 2

Here's my second entry. I'm making an effort to stay within the analysis of what I'm going through so to get a concrete idea as to how I am to manage my problems.

Right now, for instance, I feel incredibly lonely. I feel that after a whole day of work or being busy, I just stay alone and have no one to share what I go through with. I have friends, and I am grateful for having them, but I don't feel I connect with them that much.

I have a problem: I get distracted from the things I want to do or have to do. I am not happy about it, and I haven't admitted that I do it, but it's there. This is one of the things I feel uncomfortable sharing with anyone because it's so awkward. I feel like an irresponsible kid and I'm about to be 30 years old. The dilemma here has to do with me not feeling comfortable to talk this over with any of my friends/family because I get the impression that what I'm going to get is nagging criticism that will deter me from what I really want: to solve my distraction issue. I just want to do the things that occur to me, and have that as something to feel proud of. That's it.

That said, I feel that the best thing I can do is use this blog as a means to sort out what I want to do. If I have to have one distraction let it be this one, since with it I can at least improve my typing and writing skills. I have illustration, writing, home, and health projects in mind. The reason I don't get to work on them is because I give in to my habits. I know habits are not always fun, they are just a means of wasting time.

How will things go? Will I ever achieve the things I have in mind? I don't really know. I'm going to go for it, see the whole thing through (each of my "things"). I can't hope for anything specific, just to get things done. I can't set deadlines, or maybe I should. I know typing it all helps at least and at the same time hope that it doesn't end up being something I write down and never see happen, just because I didn't see it through.

I have to stop being pessimistic and giving up. I am not getting any younger, and not doing anything, i. e. putting my plans in a closet and my dreams in a trunk doesn't help me feel better about myself. Maybe talking about them wouldn't be bad. Why should I take it upon myself to think that my friends are going to put me down just because I haven't shared something with them? Isn't that a bit pretentious of myself? Taking decisions for them?

It is. I will stop formulating dialogues about how they might put me down. I realize I'm the one with the problem here, not them.

untitled thoughts 1

I'm trying something new tonight: it has to do with venting but I don't really want to classify it as such because I want to analyze what I feel. These posts are related to things that occur to me, either positive or negative. I want to dissect each idea to know the best way to sort things through. So, here is the first one:

Every one of us has moments, good or bad. If we are akin to someone then we want to share whatever happened to us with that person, either in experience or through words. There's no exception to this rule, it's just our nature. In fact, I tried to think of one but couldn't come up with a sane example.

Bad moments are the worse secret to keep: the negativity eats you up inside. You need to do something or tell someone what's going through you. When you can't do something then you really need to let it out. But is the person who you trust able to manage whatever bomb you throw at them? Do you know them that well? Do you think that maybe this can wait?

If you ask for empathy you should first be empathetic, at least that's what I try to do. I am living a situation that I rather not disturb anyone's great mood with my thoughts. I wait, and ponder: do I really want to share any of this with this person? Isn't it better just to solve things and then later comment on this, if at all necessary, and think of it as just something that went awry? I'm going with introspection and diligence for this one. I'm not getting anything but pity and a pat on the back if I start telling people how I feel, so might as well skip that for the after party.

I have to be honest: that would be just an excuse to make contact and not an effort to solve a problem.

Revisiting reblogging

It's about 1 AM right now and I should know better than being up this late when I have to get up to go to work and be a responsible adult, etc. Regardless, I felt the need to type in some words here and there since it's been a while and I've gone through some things that made me look back at the blog and realize why I started it.

Life has always been a journey to me. Even if I don't physically move, there's something inside that's dynamic. Each post is a landmark. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't know where or how I will stop and it's not important. There's a good variety of things to do and see. People to meet or observe. Hence the title of my blog.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be raised differently or to live in a different country or environment. I often blame myself for the choices I make, which is not totally wrong since I'm never in a gunpoint type situation. However, I know decisions could have always been better and hindsight, as much as I hate it often prevents me from stumbling on the same rock (or boulder).

Blogging is not an escape for me. As much as I vent on here I have learned that dilemmas are to be treated personally and approached objectively. As difficult or boring as it may be to take this approach I believe that we can't take a path down a road with our emotions or personal interests guiding the helm, rather with a more general approach and fully aware (or as aware as the situation shall allow) of the consequences of said path.

Blogging is a means for me to record what I do. At one point it did become a means of venting but I have noticed this passed year that you don't need to vent out anything and just tackle the issue. My approach, because of what I do, is to be subtle and it will state the obvious without being condescending.

Here's to more post, with shorter times in between and to honoring our personal wishes, as long as they're not to place anyone in harm.

Later!