Clear skies and rain

After watching a movie today, I joined a friend for dinner. Somehow I wound up talking about Pauline, my friend who recently passed away, and honestly, this is the first time I talk how I feel with someone outside our circle of friends. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know if it was right. The truth is, how will I ever know when everything I do is right or wrong? There are some things that are obvious mistakes, as well as bull's eyes; but then there are some other things, which are open for debate. I realized that I might not have mourned my friend as I think or feel I should. I feel betrayed because no one has given me pictures of her and myself. I have nothing that I can share with everyone about how she was. The only proof I have of her is myself, and the memories I have of her. I think, that maybe, I might be too ambitious; but then again, is it bad for me to at least want something to have and keep that reminds me of her? But anyway, talking about this made me realize that avoiding that would only make me more miserable. My friend was telling me his stories, and he didn't have it easy in regards to the subject as well.

Life isn't all fun when you lose someone close to you. I feel like I'm repeating myself, and I do not feel comfortable going over an issue that has already been talked about. I have felt sad, lonely, anxious, and broken before; but I have always gotten up. I feel that I am not the only one that goes through this, and I refuse to be conquered by a mood. I once stated that my mood will not be affected by sounds, when dealing with vicious people at work. I still feel this way. I know a person, he wasn't the most normal person, in fact, the guy is downright unapproachable, but he did say that pain was only temporary; I don't think he knew how smart that was of him.

At first, weather was not fun tonight; it started raining before dinner, and afterwards, the skies were clear, and the drive home was nice and peaceful.

On the road again

The purpose of the blog is once again inspiring me (along with "let go" from Frou Frou) to write some thoughts tonight. I'm still loving the idea of travelling and working, as stressful as third parties might make it. "Let go, because there's beauty in the breakdown" says the song to a trippie house beat. I like it because of that. My last entry was long, I wanted to get that feeling out of my chest, even though I want to write about it again, I feel I should leave it for talk amongst my friends. My room mate this time likes and is into music more than I am, which is great since this time we're planning to go to a Seether concert, hopefully it will be good. The experience from this trip from the start has not been what I expected: missing my connecting flight, staying over in Miami, and being close to a meltdown at work; but, I have a positive outlook. I will get my rest this weekend, and work the way I like to: having everything organized and ready. The more I live this year, helps me realize that this part of my life is all about acknowledging responsability, as a child I was used to people standing up for me, and now I have to do it myself; I get scared sometimes, but I do not allow myself to back down from a fight, this is experience for me. Human life transcends survival, I believe this; but it does not mean that we have to play doormat to others entrance to success. It is best if I leave this at the moment. I gave in and wrote, since I owed this to myself. I let go.